On sex and sexuality [NSFW]

I am twenty-eight years old cis-female, and I identify as a lesbian. These labels mean very little onto themselves, but when it comes to my bedroom, they have quite the influence. Next Tuesday, I will have been together with my girlfriend for nine years, and we will have been living together for six and a half (give or take). She wasn't the first woman I dated (my one and only boyfriend was around age six), but she was the first I slept with. My girlfriend is the only person I have ever slept with.

Star Foster recently wrote a wonderful piece about the Sacredness of Sex, which had me thinking about my own sex life and the sacredness of it. My girlfriend is everything I could ever want in a woman and sexual partner, and I realize every day how incredibly lucky I am to have found someone who not only matches me, but who puts up with my occasional bullshit and who can always make me laugh. I have no desire for another partner--sexual or otherwise--and I am confidant she feels the same way.

Perhaps because of my religious views, or maybe despite it, I don't ascribe a sacredness to sex. I think it's a wholly human endeavor that is mirrored from the Gods, but should not be levelled with Them, or shared. That said, I am not a prude by any stretch of the imagination. What I do have, however, is a healthy dose of respect for myself (and the luck not to have the choice to remain a virgin taken from me) and before I met my girlfriend, I felt no desire to share my body with my partners (of which there weren't many, because I was also picky in that regard). I have said before how--coming into Hellenism--I realized how wired for the religion I actually was, and my views about sex (and nudity) are reflective of that.

Hellenic society was complicated when it came to sex; adultery was frowned upon, but most marriages were arranged and love was not a guarantee. The ancients saw sex as completely natural and--unlike many today--had no inhibitions and very few taboos when it came to straight up heterosexual sex. Anything else had societal stigma's attached to it. Heterosexual sex was defined by an active male and a passive female. Penetration was active, being penetrated was passive. Getting oral sex was active, while performing oral sex was a passive activity. There is a pattern there that is important, as it limited the socially acceptable interactions one could have. For example, men were stimulated to take on only an active roll and thus avoided performing oral sex on a woman (or man, but see below). Due to this dynamic, homosexuality was frowned upon as well; here were twe men (or women, but that's an entirely different dynamic and a longer story for which there is very little evidence) who alternated an active and passive roll--something very much against society's rules.

Men often took mistresses and visited prostitutes--both accepted practices that put an even greater taboo on adultery (which was obviously not included in the aforementioned practices. In fact, a man could only commit adultery if he had sex with a married woman, and even then she had to be a citizen for the full punishment to be enacted upon them--often death.

Pederasty was a socially acknowledged erotic relationship between an adult male and a younger male usually in his teens, and was practiced mostly in the Archaic and Classical ages of Hellenic history. Due to the age difference and the societal function the practice served, this type of relationship was accepted and not considered homosexual. The younger partner was always the passive party and performed to role of 'woman' in the exchange, thus making it a heterosexual relationship between two men (as contradictory as that may sound).

Women--perhaps somewhat obviously--had far fewer freedoms when it came to sex outside of the marital bed, and their lives were far less often discussed. I highly doubt ancient Hellenic men had any idea what happened in the almost completely separate lives of their wives--especially in the richer layers of society, and especially in the big cities like Athens and Corinth. It would not surprise me at all if women found sexual comfort with each other or themselves on a regular basis, but evidence of that is slim to none-existent outside of Sparta from where there is even evidence of pederastic relationship between older and younger women in high societal circles.

I think sex is a beautiful part of life that needs to be celebrated and indulged in when the mood strikes. I see this view reflected not only in evidence from ancient Hellenic society, but the stories of its Gods as well. Sex is a huge part of our mythology, and not just in the famous rape stories (and please read the article that link leads to before interpreting the term). My eternally favourite passage about sex and the Theoi comes from Hómēros' Iliad:

"Meanwhile Hera soon reached Gargarus, the summit of lofty Ida. Zeus, the Cloud-Driver, saw her, and instantly his sharp mind was overwhelmed by longing, as in the days when they first found love, sleeping together without their dear parents’ knowledge. Standing there he called to her: ‘Hera, what brings you speeding from Olympus? And where are your chariot and horses?’

Queen Hera replied, artfully: ‘I am off to the ends of fruitful earth, to visit Oceanus, source of all the gods, and Mother Tethys. They nursed and cherished me lovingly in their halls. I will visit them and bring their ceaseless quarrel to an end. They have been estranged for a long time now, from love and the marriage bed, ever since their hearts were embittered. My horses wait at the foot of Ida of many streams, and they will take me over dry land and sea. But I am here from Olympus to see you, lest you harbour anger towards me later if I go to deep-flowing Oceanus’ house without first telling you.’

Zeus the Cloud-Driver answered: ‘Hera, you shall go: later. But for now let us taste the joys of love; for never has such desire for goddess or mortal woman so gripped and overwhelmed my heart, not even when I was seized by love for Ixion’s wife, who gave birth to Peirithous the gods’ rival in wisdom; or for Acrisius’ daughter, slim-ankled Danaë, who bore Perseus, greatest of warriors; or for the far-famed daughter of Phoenix, who gave me Minos and godlike Rhadamanthus; or for Semele mother of Dionysus, who brings men joy; or for Alcmene at Thebes, whose son was lion-hearted Heracles; or for Demeter of the lovely tresses; or for glorious Leto; or even for you yourself, as this love and sweet desire for you grips me now.’

Queen Hera replied, artfully once more: ‘Dread son of Cronus, what words are these? You indeed may be eager to make love on the heights of Ida in broad daylight, but what if an immortal saw us together, and told the others? I’d be ashamed to rise again, and go home. But if you really wish for love, if your heart is set on it, you have that room your dear son Hephaestus built you, with solid tightly-fitting doors. Let us go and lie there, since love-making is your wish.’

‘Hera, have no fear: no god or man will see us through the golden cloud in which I’ll hide us. Not even Helios could spy us then, though his is the keenest sight of all.’

With that the son of Cronus took his wife in his arms and beneath them the bright earth sent up fresh grass-shoots, dewy lotus, crocus and soft clustered hyacinth, to cushion them from the ground. There they lay, veiled by the cloud, lovely and golden, from which fell glistening drops of dew." [Bk XIV:292-351]

This passage sums up my views about sex perfectly: it should be between those who consent to it, filled with both love and lust, and private. I have no desire to go back to the ways of ancient Hellas when it comes to sex, but I do like their willingness to admit that sexual desires are a part of our nature. There is no reason to deny that consenting adults have sexual intercourse, because it is not only a natural extension of love, but a natural extension of life itself. It should not be discussed as a brag or boast, but can serve as a way to express the affection between two (or more, I don't judge as long as anyone is of consenting age and mind) people. Most of all, it should be enjoyed, and if you find someone who gives you sexual pleasure, then it would be very, very, right to thanks the Gods for that.