I am trying to graduate. So far it's been a frustrating, humiliating and painful experience. Things keep going wrong and then I have to go through the institution to get them corrected. So far it's 3-0 for the institution, no matter how far I've gone over my own limits and have groveled to get some help--any kind of help.
The banes of my existence are currently one computer program, one man and enough bureaucracy to cover everyone's ass but mine. It's beyond frustrating and we've only just started round four. If I loose this round, I'm looking at another year of college which I can not afford due to some insane fines the government has put on sixth year student--even if they are doing a second study. In short, if I fail, I don't know what I'm going to do.
And so I'm tempted to turn to the Gods and magick for aid. I haven't done this before, not actively. I have asked the Gods to strengthen me and help me remember the theory and I've done magick towards the same goal but I have never implored either to influence someone who was unaware of me doing so.
The thought of it makes me nauseous but I don't see another option. I don't know if I'll be able to go through with it, mostly because I worry I might not be able to keep my anger under control and steer the Gods or the spell wrong. I know the man isn't screwing me over intentionally; he is as bound by the bureaucratic BS as I am... but taking it out on him would be so easy. I have enough anger to power some pretty desperate spells. And that scares me. I don't know if I want to take responsibility for an act like that.
Now, I am all for fighting the institution. In my second year, a teacher judged one of my reports unfairly because I stood up to him in a full lecture hall. I took that all the way to the top and got the grade overturned. He got a permanent mark on his record. I hated having to do it but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had let him abuse his power. But isn't that exactly what I'm proposing; using my power to screw over someone else because he's pissed me off?
As a witch, I have a lot of tools to work with. It was Ani DiFranco who said 'every tool is a weapon, if you hold it right', and she was correct. I have an arsenal of weapons to fight with and I am afraid to use them, even if it means saving my future. It's not what I do. I practice temperance. I don't enforce my will upon others. But this fight I have been put in has left me powerless and without weapons, except for the ones I am willing to bring. So I am tempted but for now, I will not cave. I will fight the institution but I will do it my way, the non-magickal way. This is my intention but in all honesty, I am not sure if I will not cave eventually. I would be ashamed of myself if I did, but it's not completely improbably it'll happen.
There is a lesson here, about Pagan ethics and the responsible practice of magick but I'm too tired and angry to write it out now. Please, draw your own conclusions from this rant. If you have any advice, please share it in the comments. I would really like to hear it as my mind won't supply me with any. I promise the G's will be happier and more Pagan-y but sometimes you don't pick your subjects, they pick you.
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