This post is proving hard to write. I wrote about my struggle combining Hellenismos with my patronage to Brighid yesterday. It was the first time I dared to admit, even to myself, that I was yet again heading into a different direction in my Pagan path and that, maybe, this meant leaving some of the old behind. But the old is a dear, dear friend. A motherly figure who was always there for me and who has stood by me come hell and high water. Admitting I might not be able to do the same for Her had--and has--me overcome with guilt and sorrow.
Over the years, I have searched for the perfect Brighid's Cross pendant for my bracelet, on which I keep symbols important to my faith. I found one, in Ireland, a little over three years ago and it hasn't left my arm for more than a few minutes from that point on.
This morning, I lost it.
I recovered the ring it was attached to and managed to put the bracelet back together but even though I have searched, I have not been able to recover the charm. First I panicked. Then I realized I had my answer. Divine intervention. I have been released from service. Because She wants the best for me. Because She loves me. And because She doesn't need me to worship Her on a regular basis to know that She will always have a place in my heart and thoughts.
I will find ways to worship her. I might even buy a new charm for my bracelet if I really can't recover the original one. But She has given me permission to move through the door without guilt. Without tears. But I admit to shedding a few of those regardless. Because it's the end of an era, even though not much will change. Because I now realize that in letting go of my Divine Mother's hand, I might be taking one of my first 'big girl' steps into Paganism, even though I'm 26 and have been practicing for about twelve years.
We are redefining our relationship and like my actual mother who has seen me walk out her door, I leave my Divine Mother too... because a new world is calling and I'm ready to accept its challenges. When I run scared, I have a place to run to and open arms to hold me. But from now on, I'm going to have to try and do it without Her first. It's scary but I'm ready and I'm much more prepared than when I left my biological mother; Brighid has seen to that. And for that, I will be eternally grateful.
Over the years, I have searched for the perfect Brighid's Cross pendant for my bracelet, on which I keep symbols important to my faith. I found one, in Ireland, a little over three years ago and it hasn't left my arm for more than a few minutes from that point on.
This morning, I lost it.
I recovered the ring it was attached to and managed to put the bracelet back together but even though I have searched, I have not been able to recover the charm. First I panicked. Then I realized I had my answer. Divine intervention. I have been released from service. Because She wants the best for me. Because She loves me. And because She doesn't need me to worship Her on a regular basis to know that She will always have a place in my heart and thoughts.
I will find ways to worship her. I might even buy a new charm for my bracelet if I really can't recover the original one. But She has given me permission to move through the door without guilt. Without tears. But I admit to shedding a few of those regardless. Because it's the end of an era, even though not much will change. Because I now realize that in letting go of my Divine Mother's hand, I might be taking one of my first 'big girl' steps into Paganism, even though I'm 26 and have been practicing for about twelve years.
We are redefining our relationship and like my actual mother who has seen me walk out her door, I leave my Divine Mother too... because a new world is calling and I'm ready to accept its challenges. When I run scared, I have a place to run to and open arms to hold me. But from now on, I'm going to have to try and do it without Her first. It's scary but I'm ready and I'm much more prepared than when I left my biological mother; Brighid has seen to that. And for that, I will be eternally grateful.
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